What's in a (Fantasy Football) Name?

"That which we would call a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet."

I'm not sure Billy Bob Shakespeare had in mind all the ramifications of his transcendent words when he penned Romeo and Juliet, but here we sit over 400 years later still quoting him and for such silly reasons as fantasy football.

Regardless of one's motives or hobbies, Shakespeare's words just don't hold water, especially in the context in which I am about to use them. You see, when it comes to fantasy football, wins and losses aren't what really matters most. It's not about selecting the best running back (probably Adrian Peterson) or making crucial mid-season trades (Peterson's backup when he gets injured) to bolster one's playoff run. The most important aspect of fantasy football, and that which will garner the most respect out of your peers is the name you select for your team. Not all team names smell like roses.

First, a team name has to be well thought out. We're talking about the perfect blend of poetry, creativity, and originality. It must either induce fear in the hearts of your opponent, or make them pee their pants from laughing so hard. Truthfully I have spent just as much time thinking about what I will call my ffl teams as I have studying up for the draft. That said, there are a few directions one can take to create the perfect fantasy football team name and gain the respect of his or her peers. On the flip side, a bad team name could mean incessant ridicule from opening week in September all the way through the holidays. The following paragraphs will present both sides of the coin.

As I see it, there are four general categories of fantasy football team names: 1) player references 2) football references 3) pop culture references and 4) intimidation.

Let's start with player references. Other than Michael Vick, no other football player has been in the news more than Brett Favre. With his flip-flopping decisions ("Should I re-retire? Should I re-un-retire?) he has been an easy target for ridicule. Favre puns are almost too easy and slightly cliche, but there's no mistaking the comical possibilities:
A) Favre Dollar Footlongs
B) It's Favre O'Clock Somewhere
Both of these possibilities, while clever and comical, also make use of two of the four general categories: player and pop culture references.
C) Drew Brees' Facial Mole
D) Michael Vick's Dog Grooming Service
Both of these possibilities, while some would consider funny, cross the line from funny to cruel and insensitive (and there are some who believe killing dogs isn't funny. Wow, go figure.)

A classical football reference can make for a great ffl team name:
A) The Steel Curtain (this was mine for years. Jack Lambert was a beast!)
B) The Purple People Eaters
Both of these reference classical defenses from the 1970's which avid football fans would easily identify, and respect.
C) The Dallas Cowboys
D) The New Jersey Generals
Now exhibit C is just sad. Despite how one feels about his or her favorite pro franchise, the unoriginality is unforgivible. This wouldn't receive ridicle, but worse, silence. Now exhibit D is a little better because it is a franchise from the long-ago-defunct USFL, but again, one must dig a little deeper and go for originality.

Pop culture references are my personal favorite. There's a world of posibilities out there between music, movies and the long string of mishaps in Hollywood, just to corner a small area of this market:
A) The Truffle Shufflers (one of mine from two years ago)
B) A Team Named Sue (last year's playoff contender in my local league)
These two names reference classics. The first one, a poor fat kid's belly-jiggling dance from The Goonies may be the funniest team name I have ever heard of. The second one plays off of Shel Silverstein's Poem (later made famous in song by the great Johnny Cash) "A Boy Named Sue." One of my students from last year came up with that one. Classic.
C) Evander Holyfield's Ear
D) anything poking fun at Michael Jackson
Yes, Mike Tyson bit off Holyfield's ear. It happened more than a decade ago. It was gross back then, it's still gross now. As for Jacko, let the man rest in peace. That goes for anyone who has died.

The final category is intimidation. While this is my least favorite, there are some good ones out there that will strike fear in the hearts of one's competition. But for each great intimidating name, there are a hundred pathetic ones.
A) The Children of the Corn
B) The Emasculators
First, was there a scarier, weirder, make-you-sick-to-your-stomach movie than Corn? Okay, The Blair Witch Project, Poltergeist, and The Exorcist along with a handful of others, but the intimidation factor is certainly there ("Malachi, he wants you too Malachi!" Classic.) As for The Emasculators, it gets points for being both funny and not funny at all.
C) The Ferocious Mountain Lions
D) The Maimers
Cue the crickets. "chirp, chirp. chirp, chirp."

All things considered, I would like to win both of my ffl leagues this year, if only for the payouts, but I would settle for having the best team name. One of my drafts is tomorrow, and I have my list limited down to four possibilities. Feel free to weigh in on my semi-finalists, and for that matter on any of today's rant.

A) The Name... Is Dalton - Classic line from an ultimate '80's "man" movie Road House.

B) The Tri Lambs - Revenge of the Nerds. Classical underdogs. A student of mine came up with this one. He automatically gets an A in my class.

C) The Large Wooden Badgers - An obscure reference in the funniest movie of all time, Monte Python and the Holy Grail.

D) The Knights Who Say "Nee" - Again from the Pythons, but a bit more obvious.

I'd say Shakespeare is most certainly turning over in his grave about now.