Pre Mature Christmas Spirit Disorder (PMCSD)

"PMCSD Pandemic Strikes America"

Public service announcement from the Centers for Disease Control

Ponca City, Oklahoma (AP)

It's late at night. You lie awake, staring at the ceiling. There's the crackling of firewood in the fireplace. The smell of a cinamon candle, long-ago extinguished, still scents up the house. In the fridge, clear in back on the bottom shelf where nobody else dares to look, resides a pint of November egg nog that seems to be calling your name. From up in the attic the fake branches of the Christmas tree seem to be scratching at its cardboard box, itching to be released. From the roof you hear a thump and what appears to be a slight jingling of bells. Could it be real, or could your ears be playing tricks on you?

You turn on the television and the first thing that appears is a commercial for a popular clothing store. Not a big deal until you see ten dancing actors decked in Christmas sweaters, scarves, and wintery boots, jitterbugging to an upbeat version of "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree." You find yourself bopping to the beat. The egg nog calls your name. There's a pecan log roll hidden in the "what-not" drawer, whispering sweet nothings to you. You have a wrapped present hidden in a place nobody else would dare to look- the crawl space under the house. Insomnia leads you to your movie collection where A Christmas Story jumps into your hand. The clock on the wall announces that a new day has just begun. The calendar on the wall by the DVD player proclaims that Thanksgiving is still a few weeks away. You hold the DVD out, the DVD player's open mouth begs you to put it in and press play. And then you stop in your tracks. A cold, sober thought strikes you. You vocalize it:

"I have a problem!"

What you have just read is a true story. It's happening every day. If this sounds familiar, you or someone you know could be suffering from Pre Mature Christmas Spirit (PMCSD) a medical condition that affects the centers of the brain which sense tidings of comfort and joy. PMCSD is not a joke, nor should it be taken lightly. The CDC has classified it as an pandemic that is sweeping the nation. The onset of PMCSD tends to coincide in timing with the flu bug, only its symptoms differ greatly. Such symptoms include but are not limited to the following.

1) Frequent trips to the Wal Mart seasonal department to contemplate buying a new Christmas tree or a CD such as A Chipmonk Christmas.

2) Staring enchantedly at fantasy Chrstmas villages in little mall giftshops.

3) Hallucinations of talking snowmen.

4) Shouting out popular lines from Christmas movies such as, "You'll shoot your eye out!" while walking through Cabelas, or "Behold! The Griswald family Christmas tree!" while deer gather around your tree stand during hunting season.

5) Overwhelming desires for roasted chestnuts, cold noses, and choirs singing around fires.

Treatments vary on a case-by-case basis but popular remedies include the following:

1) Classifying the annual White House Christmas tree as a "Holiday Tree."

2) Illegalizing nativity scenes.

3) Allowing school districts to call the Christmas break a "Winter Break."

There is no cure for PMCSD. Any symptom needs to run its course. If you observe anyone exhibiting any of these characteristics, stand back and either let the episide pass or alert any trained medical personnel on the site. Symptoms tend to wear off in January, though in some tougher cases it takes the coming of the Easter bunny to get the patient to take down the Christmas tree.