The Cave Man's Guide to the Red Carpet, 2012

I am a card-carrying member of the male gender.  In order to keep my man card, I've prided myself on being a critic of important things in life like, say, who the best overall player in the NBA is (Kevin Durant, of course) and why the Carolina rig far outfishes the Texas rig for bass.  Well, tonight is the Academy Awards, and a huge part of the Oscars is the red carpet, or so I've been told.  For other men like me who don't know, the red carpet is famous for hits and busts.  My wife and her college roomate used to watch the red carpet walk every year and talk about which dresses were flattering, and which ones were, well, just plain bad.  Wanting to bond with my wife tonight, I had the great idea to rate dresses with her on two separate ballots and compare notes.  Amazingly, we agreed in many instances.  We used a simple 1-10 rating system which allowed for comments.  On this blog you won't hear official dress terms unless I learned them tonight (like the "peplum" which looks like a belly fat flap to a guy,) but you will read a real cave man's professional perspective of something he knows absolutely nothing about.  So with respect to Bjork and her dead Canadian goose dress, here's the best and worst of the red carpet, 2012.

Top 5
1. Natalie Portman-9.5
Donning a sparkling diamond necklace, Natalie was wearing a red dress from some famous designer with a French name I think.  Whatever it was, it was stunning, classy, making her look even more beautiful than when she was in her wedding dress at the end of Star Wars, Episode II.  But then again, she would probably look beautiful in a meat suit. 

2. Milla Jovovich- 9.3
All I wrote down in my notes was, "Wow!" so I had to go to the internet to get details.  Her dress was by Elie Saab, who also makes a great French car that sells poorly in America.  Was the dress white?  Was it silver?  I don't know, but I know it was very beautiful on her because it contrasted well with her dark hair and dark red lipstick, especially with that sexy thing she does with her eyes.  She knew she had it going on. 

3. Penelope Cruz- 9.0
Penelope is another actress who would probably look stunning in just about anything she wears, but she knocked it out of the park with her greyish-purplish flowing dress.  The off-the-shoulder sleeve thingies were classy, and the dress flowed plainly, yet elegantly like freshly fallen snow on a mountainous landscape on Christmas morning.  Yeah, it's safe to say that I liked her dress.

4. Viola Davis- 8.5
It seems that green was in this year, and nobody did green better than Viola.  Though I have no idea who she is, she was stunning in a dress which was strapless, form-fitting in the middle, and flowy on the bottom.  Viola's dress was the first one I judged and it stood as the base to compare all other dresses.  Plus, emerald green is my favorite color.

5. Gwyneth Paltrow- 8
White and tight.  Gwyneth can get away with it even with the Tarzan shoulder strap because she wore an overcoat of the same color that looked like a cape.  Man, I'm not making her sound very attractive right now, but Superman was awesome and he had a cape, and so is Gwyneth.  I personally think the cape should make a comeback.  I would wear a cape.

Bottom 5
1. Judy Greer- 2.5
Judy was wearing a silver skid mark on a black dress.  The tread pattern of the tire used to run over her dress wasn't very aggressive, so I wouldn't trust it in mud or on a snowy day, with or without four-wheel drive.  Had her dress been run over by an all-terrain pattern, like the Jeep Pro Comp Xterrain Radial, I would have had much more respect for it.

2. J Lo- 3.0
Ms. Lopez, please leave something to the imagination.  Sorry gentlemen, no links on this blog.

3. Anna Faris- 3.6
I was told that they were black sequins, but it looked just like a rubber suit I wore my ninth-grade year during wrestling practice when I had to cut five pounds before regionals the next day.  Had she worn her outfit from The House Bunny it would have been a vast improvement.

4. Emma Stone- 3.99
A red flowing dress would be beautiful enough, but it had one major problem: the big red bow around her neck that her dress' designer took off the Jaguar he gave his wife as a Christmas present.  Imagine being a dress designer.  You have a beautiful dress and you ask yourself, "What little modification can I make to totally ruin this dress?"  Voila!  A bow!

5. Kristen Wiig- 4.0
Where to begin?  The dress she dons is the color of wood.  The top half is actually made of wood which looked like the checker board I made for my brother in 7th grade wood shop.  The bottom half is plumey, like the tail of a peacock who woke up with bed head.

***As a post script, my wife would have looked far better than any of these women in any of their dresses.

15 Years. 5 Months. A Block of Wood

It's hard to believe that it's been fifteen years since God called his servant Amie Montgomerie home.  I'd be remiss not to make mention of the anniversary of her death yesterday.  It marked such a transformative time in my life.  It was a time in my life when I was lost.  It was after hearing her remarkable story that I rededicated my life to the Lord, so I am forever grateful that God gave her to us, even if it was for such a short period of time. 

I believe with all my heart that nothing happens arbitrarily, that God has purpose in everything he does, and though I would like it to be like that scene in Bruce Almighty where Jim Carey's character is playing God and he answers "yes" to all prayer request e-mails, I know it just doesn't happen that way.  One husband prays for a healthy organ for his ailing wife while another husband prays his wife, an organ donor, doesn't die after the accident.  One prayer will be answered thankfully, one prayer will seemingly be discarded.  To know the will of God.  I felt that strong will when Amie died, and it didn't take me long to regret cursing God for allowing one of his angels on earth to be overcome by such evil murderers.  That's why I swore I would accept God's will last September when Dad was in ICU.  I knew it didn't look good, and I did try bargaining with God, praying such sentiments like, "God, if you pull Dad out, it will be another one of your miracles that people will be able look at and not be able to deny your existence, much less your supreme authority."  If only Bruce Almighty had been ruling fifteen years ago.  Five months ago.  Alas it was not so, but thankfully I have seen the error of my ways and accepted what God knows to be his perfect will.  As tough as it is to accept sometimes, and as hard as it is sometimes to live after a loved one passes, I know God's will is perfect and good shall come about through Dad's death, just like it did with me when Amie died.  Still, days like today make it hard.

Three weeks ago my elder son was given a block of wood, four nails, and four plastic wheels and told to make a car.  From the moment I signed my son up for Boy Scouts, I had been looking forward to a little father-son bonding time, which I got with him.  But I was also looking forward to the phone calls with Dad, asking him questions about the laws of physics, how to calculate the center of gravity, how to turn potential energy into kinetic energy.  These are the kinds of things for which he would have had answers, and he would have loved educating me every bit as much as I loved educating my own son through the process.  It seems to me from a son's perspective that this was what he lived for, so I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised that I feel the same pride as a Dad.  I know God felt it for his Son.