I am a card-carrying member of the male gender. In order to keep my man card, I've prided myself on being a critic of important things in life like, say, who the best overall player in the NBA is (Kevin Durant, of course) and why the Carolina rig far outfishes the Texas rig for bass. Well, tonight is the Academy Awards, and a huge part of the Oscars is the red carpet, or so I've been told. For other men like me who don't know, the red carpet is famous for hits and busts. My wife and her college roomate used to watch the red carpet walk every year and talk about which dresses were flattering, and which ones were, well, just plain bad. Wanting to bond with my wife tonight, I had the great idea to rate dresses with her on two separate ballots and compare notes. Amazingly, we agreed in many instances. We used a simple 1-10 rating system which allowed for comments. On this blog you won't hear official dress terms unless I learned them tonight (like the "peplum" which looks like a belly fat flap to a guy,) but you will read a real cave man's professional perspective of something he knows absolutely nothing about. So with respect to Bjork and her dead Canadian goose dress, here's the best and worst of the red carpet, 2012.
Top 5
1. Natalie Portman-9.5
Donning a sparkling diamond necklace, Natalie was wearing a red dress from some famous designer with a French name I think. Whatever it was, it was stunning, classy, making her look even more beautiful than when she was in her wedding dress at the end of Star Wars, Episode II. But then again, she would probably look beautiful in a meat suit.
2. Milla Jovovich- 9.3
All I wrote down in my notes was, "Wow!" so I had to go to the internet to get details. Her dress was by Elie Saab, who also makes a great French car that sells poorly in America. Was the dress white? Was it silver? I don't know, but I know it was very beautiful on her because it contrasted well with her dark hair and dark red lipstick, especially with that sexy thing she does with her eyes. She knew she had it going on.
3. Penelope Cruz- 9.0
Penelope is another actress who would probably look stunning in just about anything she wears, but she knocked it out of the park with her greyish-purplish flowing dress. The off-the-shoulder sleeve thingies were classy, and the dress flowed plainly, yet elegantly like freshly fallen snow on a mountainous landscape on Christmas morning. Yeah, it's safe to say that I liked her dress.
4. Viola Davis- 8.5
It seems that green was in this year, and nobody did green better than Viola. Though I have no idea who she is, she was stunning in a dress which was strapless, form-fitting in the middle, and flowy on the bottom. Viola's dress was the first one I judged and it stood as the base to compare all other dresses. Plus, emerald green is my favorite color.
5. Gwyneth Paltrow- 8
White and tight. Gwyneth can get away with it even with the Tarzan shoulder strap because she wore an overcoat of the same color that looked like a cape. Man, I'm not making her sound very attractive right now, but Superman was awesome and he had a cape, and so is Gwyneth. I personally think the cape should make a comeback. I would wear a cape.
Bottom 5
1. Judy Greer- 2.5
Judy was wearing a silver skid mark on a black dress. The tread pattern of the tire used to run over her dress wasn't very aggressive, so I wouldn't trust it in mud or on a snowy day, with or without four-wheel drive. Had her dress been run over by an all-terrain pattern, like the Jeep Pro Comp Xterrain Radial, I would have had much more respect for it.
2. J Lo- 3.0
Ms. Lopez, please leave something to the imagination. Sorry gentlemen, no links on this blog.
3. Anna Faris- 3.6
I was told that they were black sequins, but it looked just like a rubber suit I wore my ninth-grade year during wrestling practice when I had to cut five pounds before regionals the next day. Had she worn her outfit from The House Bunny it would have been a vast improvement.
4. Emma Stone- 3.99
A red flowing dress would be beautiful enough, but it had one major problem: the big red bow around her neck that her dress' designer took off the Jaguar he gave his wife as a Christmas present. Imagine being a dress designer. You have a beautiful dress and you ask yourself, "What little modification can I make to totally ruin this dress?" Voila! A bow!
5. Kristen Wiig- 4.0
Where to begin? The dress she dons is the color of wood. The top half is actually made of wood which looked like the checker board I made for my brother in 7th grade wood shop. The bottom half is plumey, like the tail of a peacock who woke up with bed head.
***As a post script, my wife would have looked far better than any of these women in any of their dresses.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Absolutely wonderful explanations.. As I did not watch I am
ReplyDeleteThrilled to have your reviews, and seriously think if you could stand to be on the room with Joan Rivers for 10 minutes you should do a segment on her red carpet show cause you are much funnier than she is :)