Happy Quotes

Happy Gilmore is one of the best comedies of all time, ranking up there with Dumb and Dumber in the "So Dumb You Can't Help But Laugh if You're a Guy and There Are Not Any Women in the Room" category.  Classic college flick! What makes a comedy so good are the quotes, so here are Happy Gilmore's 10 best.  Enjoy!

1. "Volkswagon!" 

The line isn't so funny, but it's the circumstances that make it funny.  Gilmore, a tough hockey player playing golf, is walking down the fairway when a Volkswagon Beetle runs him over.  He's too tough to say something conventional, like "ouch."

2. "Friends listen to 'Endless Love' in the dark."

Happy is on a "friend date" with the hot PR lady, Virginia, and he takes her to a skating rink.  The lights turn off and the music cues up in the middle of the song.  My buddy from college, Ryan Hardaway, was hilarious in the fact that we would be sitting around, doing homework or something else totally boring, and out of nowhere he would blurt out, "Friends listen to 'Endless Love' in the dark."  Always good for a laugh.

3. "You eat pieces of poop for breakfast?"

Happy's nemesis, Shooter McGavin, has just outbid Happy for his grandmother's house and challenges Happy to a winner take all at the tour championship.  Trying to intimidate Happy, McGavin says, "I eat pieces of crap like you for breakfast," to which Happy replies, "You eat pieces of poop for breakfast?"  Flushed, McGavin stammers before saying, "...uh, NO!"

4. "During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in a penalty box, and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody."

To which Virginia replies, "You had me at hello."

5. "What? I didn't *break* it, I was just testing its durability, and then I *placed* it in the woods because it's made of wood and I just thought he should be with his family."

It is as good an explanation as any.


6. "Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME!"
It's been repeated on putting greens across America ever since!  

7. "You're gonna die, clown!"
    
It's been repeated on mini-golf courses across America ever since!

8. "Erm... I was just looking for the other half of this bottle. Oh. There's some... and some more."

Nice catch after an almost bar fight.

9. "The Price is Wrong, Bob!" 

How many of his contestants have wanted to punch Bob Barker over the years after hearing, "That was not nice and easy."

10. "Darnit! Is that goal regulation size or what? Sheesh!"

Happy swears after missing an easy slap shot.  This could be adapted to about any situation: The basketball court, the football field ("Are those goal posts regulation size or what?" or the tennis court ("Is that net regulation size or what?")

#1 Super Bowl

1. Super Bowl III New York Jets 16 Baltimore Colts 7


In the first game officially recognized as the "Super Bowl," Namath's salute says it all.  In the first two Super Bowls the AFC had been woefully represented.  Many still believed the AFL was still a laughing stock of a league.  What makes this game so great are the circumstances, and the great declaration.  Asked for the umpteenth time how his Jets were going to possibly stand up to the mighty Colts, Namath, out of anger, said that the Jets were going to win.  He was practically laughed out of the press room, but his teammates took it as a challenge.  The game itself was a defensive struggle, but with a great game plan and timely passes on Namath's part, the Jets staked a 16-0 4th quarter lead over the stunned Colts.  The Jets didn't throw a single pass the entire 4th quarter.  Johnny Unitas came in in the 4th quarter in relief and threw a late touchdown, but it wasn't enough, and the Jets finally legitimized the AFL.

Greatest Super Bowls of All Time

Yesterday I reviewed the best catches ever in Super Bowl history.  Today I went right for the juglar.  These are the 5 best Super Bowls of all time.  In 46 games there has been some snoozers and some great performances.  Chief among these are the classic upset, of which this list is heavy.  Enjoy, and as always, feel free to comment and disagree!

5. Super Bowl I  Packers 35 Chiefs 10 "Max McGee's Drunken Night"

No, this wasn't the best Super Bowl of all time, and it wasn't even called the "Super Bowl" at the time, but the brain child of Pete Rozel pitted the champion of the NFL versus the champion of the upstart AFL.  Though the NFL's Packers thoroughly dominated the Chiefs, the game legitimized the AFL and would lead a few years later to the super merger and the NFL that we know today.  The game is best known for the performance of Packers tight end Max McGee's 7 receptions for 138 yards and 2 touchdowns.  That performance may seem pedestrian, but the story is that McGee, the backup TE, got drunk the night before, thinking he wouldn't get much playing time.  When the starter Boyd Dowler went down, Max shook off his hangover, made the first Super Bowl touchdown, and became the first Super Bowl star.  What many don't know is that he couldn't even find his helmet and had grab the first one he could find!

4. Super Bowl XXXVI Patriots 20 Rams 17 "Tom Brady's Coming Out"

The St. Louis Rams' "Greatest Show on Turf" looked to win their second Super Bowl in three years, but the underdog Patriots had other plans.  The Pats were a surprise Super Bowl team, making their way through a minefield of great teams in the playoffs, including a shellacking of the top seed Pittsburgh Steelers.  That alone was impressive, but doing so with rookie backup quarterback Tom Brady made the feat nearly miraculous.  Brady had taken Drew Bledsoe's starting spot earlier in the year due to an injury, but when Bledsoe returned, their head coach decided to stick with his rookie quarterback, a very risky and unpopular decision in the Boston area.  It worked though (and Bostonites have been smiling ever since.)  Tied at 17 all and with only 1:30 on the clock and no time outs, Brady led his team down the field to set up Adam Vinateiri's 48 yard field goal with no time remaining to shock St. Louis and begin the Patriots own dynasty that would result in two more Super Bowl victories in the new centuries's first five years.

3. Super Bowl XXV Giants 20 Bills 19 "Wide Right"




Everyone just knew that the Bills were going to win.  They had the game's best all-purpose running back in Thurmon Thomas, one of the best quarterbacks in Jim Kelly, and possibly the most accurate kicker in Scott Norwood.  That the New York Giants had made the Super Bowl was a bit of a side note to the Bills high octane "Run and Shoot" offense.  Well, on this night the Bills offense didn't run or shoot very well, mostly because the Giants held the ball for over 40 minutes, still a Super Bowl record.  Always an X factor, Bill Parcels had his team well prepared, and a great game plan of Otis Anderson running for 102 yards, Dave Megget's129 all-purpose yards, and Jeff Hostetler not making any mistakes.  Still, the Bills had their chance.  Kelly drove the Bills to the Giants 29 yard line with 8 seconds to go to set up Norwood for a 47 yard field goal, practically a chip shot for him.  Unfortunately for the Bills, the ball just missed wide right and the Bills fortunes went down the drain with the kick.  The Bills would represent the AFC in the next three Super Bowls, but this was the only game they had any shot of winning.

2. Super Bowl XIII Steelers 35 Cowboys 31 "Bless His Heart!"


The Cowboys and Steelers meeting up in the Super Bowl is the NFL's version of Celtics-Lakers, Ali-Frasier, or Yankees-Red Sox.  It's possibly the greatest collection of football talent ever to take the field for a single game.  14 players and 2 coaches would find their way to the Hall of Fame.  If the football gods (or NFL execs) had it their way, these two teams would meet in the Super Bowl every year.  Thankfully we've had it that way three times, but the best of those games is Super Bowl XIII.  The game was close throughout, but turned on a single play. Late in the 3rd quarter with Pittsburgh up 21-14, HOFer Roger Starbach drove the Cowboys to the Steelers 10 yard line.  On a third down play, Starbach found future HOFer Jackie Smith wide open in the back of the end zone.  The normally sure-handed Smith lost his footing.  As his feet came out from under him, the ball, thrown a little low, bounced right off his hands, prompting one of the most famous broadcasting calls in Super Bowl history by Verne Lundquist.  "Bless his heart!  He's got to be the sickest man in America!"  The Cowboys settled for a field goal.  Pittsburgh took over at this point and were able to squelch a furious Dallas rally at the end when war hero HOFer Rocky Blier recovered an onside kick to preserve the win.


1.??? Gotta wait till tomorrow.  Feel free to guess though!

Super Bowl's Greatest Catches

With Super Bowl XLVII a mere 3 days away, I thought it would be fun to talk about the greatest moments in 46 years of Super Bowls.  Today's topic is the five greatest catches.  As always, feel free to leave a comment and disagree!

5. Super Bowl XXXIV, Steve McNair to Kevin Dyson, Post Route

The St. Louis Rams mowed through the competition with their "Greatest Show on Turf" offense, which is why it was so surprising that this Super Bowl was a defensive struggle.  That is why the game's final play is so interesting; it was a defensive stop by a team known for its offense.  With the Rams' fans on the edge of their seats, Kevin Dyson ran a post route and Steve McNair connected with him five yards short of the end zone when Rams linebacker Mike Jones reached out, and with only the strength in his fingers in one hand, grabbed onto Dyson's leg and pulled him down.  Dyson stretched the ball out, only to come a yard short.  It was the most exciting Super Bowl ending since Montana hit Taylor with 39 seconds to win Super Bowl XXIII.  Even though Dyson was stopped short, this reception will forever be remembered.

4. Super Bowl XXIII, Joe Montana to John Taylor, Slant Route

Speaking of Montana to Taylor, "The Drive" might be a little bit of a strong title (for there have been many great drives,) but it is an important piece of Super Bowl history nonetheless.  With Cincy leading 16-13, Montana drove the San Francisco offense methodically down the field, thanks in large part to the dreaded Prevent Defense, Don Shula's invention which only prevents the defense from winning.  It seems everybody knew how it would end.  The only surprise was that the ball went to Taylor and not Jerry Rice.

3. Super Bowl XIV, Terry Bradshaw to John Stallworth, Streak Route

People like to look at the score and think it was a blowout, but most don't realize that the 10.5 point underdog Rams held the lead late.  With 13 minutes to go and down by 2 points, Bradshaw, faced with a 3rd and 8 from the Pittsburgh 27 and without his best wide receiver Lynn Swan, decided to go for broke.  Putting just enough air under the ball, Stallworth hauled in an over-the-shoulder catch just beyond the outstretched arms of Rams safety Rod Perry and took it in for the score.  It was a go-for-broke play that broke the Rams backs. 

2. Super Bowl X, Terry Bradshaw to Lynn Swan, Fade Route

It's been played over and over, always in slow motion and always with orchestra music that gives you goosebumps.  The Steelers and Cowboys were the "Lakers/Celtics" of the NFL, two historic franchises with the best players and story lines.  And they hated each other.  Swan was recovering from a concussion and it was thought he wouldn't play.  Cliff Harris, Dallas defensive back had hinted around that he might hurt Swan if the wide receiver did play.  Late in the second quarter, Swan ran a fade route along the right sideline.  Bradshaw woefully underthrew the pass to the inside and it looked like it would be intercepted, but Swan, as graceful as his name, reached over the defender, tipped the ball up, waited for the defensive back to fall and the angels to sing while he tip-toed along the sideline. Then he lunged and caught the ball on his fingertips as he fell to his stomach.  This may be the best catch of all time, but because of the situation, it only takes second place on this list.  The Pittsburgh drive would stall and they wouldn't get any points out of Swan's heroics.  So since situation counts for so much, the number 1 is...

1. Super Bowl XLII, Eli Manning to David Tyree, Broken Play

It was a perfect season for the New England Patriots, and a very imperfect season by the New York Giants.  The favorite Pats, up 14-10 late in a defensive struggle, relied on its defense to stop Eli Manning, who had a pedigree, but had never been in a big game like this before.  On the play, Manning is nearly sacked, but miraculously escapes, lookes straight downfield and heaves it in David Tyree's general direction.  The ball is overthrown, but Tyree leaps up, barely gets his fingertips on the ball, and cradles it against the top of of his helmet as if stuck by velcro, before he falls to his back.  Before this play, pretty much everyone knew the Pats were going to pull out the perfect season.  After it, even the Pats defense knew it was over.  A few seconds later when Plaxico Burress catches a touchdown pass, they were right.